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3 Big Ideas to Help You Shape Your Legacy as a Dad

by Olise Atenaga
written by Olise Atenaga
Imagine your life ended abruptly right now. What would your legacy be? How would you be remembered? Would the narrative about your life include ‘a life well lived’?
 
In a survey conducted by Merrill Lynch, respondents were asked what they would want to be remembered for. More than two-thirds of the respondents said “it’s the memories shared with loved ones.” 94% of survey respondents said the definition of a life well lived is “having friends and family that love me.” That was followed by 75% who said it’s about “having made a positive impact on society.”
 
More than death, legacy is about living and paying life forward. It’s an ongoing high value decision and commitment you make about the kind of life you want to live, and the impact you want to make on your family, friends, community and world. It’s an expression of love and gratitude to God, your family, friends and others who have helped get you to where you are today.
 
Here’s another way to think about legacy – It’s your gift to others and also a gift to yourself because it enables you to find genuine fulfilment in your life.
 
Living and leaving a good legacy takes effort and requires wisdom. Legendary coach and author John Wooden said, “There is a choice you have to make in everything you do, so keep in mind that in the end the choice you make makes you.”
 
So regardless of the stage or circumstances of your journey as a dad today, there are three building blocks you can use to your advantage that will help you shape the legacy you want:
 

1. Start early.

Like a tapestry, everything you do in life weaves together to create the overall mark you leave on the people who outlive you. Your legacy will have a lasting impact – that’s a fact. And similar to investing in a retirement plan, the earlier you start, the greater your chances of a good return.
 
This means you don’t start thinking about legacy when you are approaching your seasoned years and have a full head of gray hair. Instead, you start deciding early what you want to pass on to the next generation and how you will be remembered by them. 
 
2. Always be growing.  
If you are going to leave a good legacy, you have to be prepared to adopt a growth mindset and invest in yourself. The need to be a lifelong learner and constantly grow is vital because legacy is about what you leave to or in others, and you cannot give what you don’t have.
 
For each dad, the path to acquire the knowledge and wisdom required to live well may be different, and as long as you are willing to pay the tuition of engagement, the school of life will always be open and life class will always be in session to teach you what you need to grow as a dad.
 
3. Make everyday count.
A good legacy doesn’t happen overnight. It develops over time. It’s an accumulation of a life well lived. The legacy you leave behind will be shaped by the life you are leading today. In the big and small things and everything in between, your daily actions are deposits into your legacy. And whether you realize it or not, are intentional or not, you are investing in your legacy everyday.
 
It’s essential that you take a long view  of life and live today with tomorrow in mind, because you may forget what you said, or the things you did, or the way you made your children feel, but they will remember as kids, as adults and when you are no longer around.        
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Words: How I Use Them to Build My Kids

by Olise Atenaga
written by Olise Atenaga
It was the first day of the month, and like every month for the last several years, my phone rang. Hearing the phone ring across my desk, I sensed who was calling and reached for my cell phone. My guess was accurate. It was my dad. He calls me several times a month, but without fail on the first day of every month. 
 
Our conversations over the years have focused on different things, but his closing words after every call have remained constant, encouraging, and made a difference in my life. 
 
Right before the line goes dead after every call, my dad would say “I love you, son.” “I’m praying for you.” 
 
I have heard those words multiple times, but the effect is always brand new and never fails to lift up my spirit and help me face life with more determination.
 
Hearing these words repeatedly from my dad has served as a reminder that words have tremendous power to build up or pull down. And that no one is too old or too young to benefit from hearing good words. 
 
As a result, I strive daily to speak words that lift up my kids. There have been times I used words I regretted, but as I gain a deeper understanding of the power of words, I’m developing the ability to use the power of my words to build my kids even when their actions push me to want to say otherwise. 
 
I have learned that in those few moments when you’re pressured to say something in the heat of the moment, it is better to stay quiet until you’re in the right frame of mind, and have something positive to say or something that can be delivered positively.
 
Delivering life-building words will require you to be intentional. I like how the book of Proverbs states this in the Bible. It says, “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.”
 
We are all products of words that have been spoken to and about us, and as dads, we impact the present and frame the future of our kids with our words.
 
Everyone needs to hear good words spoken to them regularly and your kids deserve to hear them, especially from you.
Here are some words amongst others I say regularly to my kids and why:
 
  • I love you – One of the greatest human need is to be accepted. Nothing says you’re accepted quite like ‘I love you.’ Verbalizing my love often and continuously reinforces the truth that they are accepted.
  • I believe in you always – Beginning at a very young age, kids love to please their dads. I have not met a child who intentionally wanted to disappoint their dad (unless they’ve been repeatedly disappointed by their dad). The reality is that failure and mistakes will happen in a child’s life. Hearing those five words, especially from you makes a difference and strengthens their resolve to live their best life. During seasons of success, failure and in between, I have witnessed the effect on my kids every time I tell them, ‘I believe in you always.’ 
  • You’re God’s masterpiece – I want my kids to know they’ve a loving heavenly father who created them as unique individuals in His image, and loves them way beyond anyone of us can fully fathom. I want them to know and remember they are special and important, that there is a God and He is with them always and will never leave them because to Him they are precious. 
Are the words you speak to and about your kids life-building? What would be possible if you decided to be intentional about the words you speak?
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5 Truths Every Dad-to-be Must know

by Olise Atenaga
written by Olise Atenaga
Each year across the world, the lives of millions of men begin to change when they hear these words: “you’re going to be a dad.” or “I’m pregnant.” Some times, it is planned so they anticipate it, and in some cases they’re taken by surprise.
 
After receiving this life transforming news, many dads-to-be don’t know where to turn to get all the information they need to prepare and assist them during what is the start of a significant shift in their lives, causing them to either stumble around while trying to make sense of it all or remain in the dark.
 
Regardless of which category you fall into, having a baby has been known to send even the toughest of men into a loop of constant worry, uncertainty and a feeling of exclusion and inadequacy.
 
If you or someone you know feels this way, there is hope and it starts with knowing these 5 truths:

1. If you feel anxious, you’re not alone

Dads-to-be and experienced dads feel the same anxiety you are experiencing. Concerns about what kind of father you’ll be, costs associated with having a child or another child, and how your relationship with your spouse or partner will change are some of the issues new and veteran dads have to work through. Though these concerns are common, you must take every step possible to prevent them from dominating you. 
 
Dealing with these concerns can be an uphill battle, but redirecting the time and energy worrying takes can be very helpful. For example, one concerned dad-to-be who worked in a bank during the day spent his evenings building a cradle for his baby in his basement after his wife had gone to bed. Another, a computer programmer, spent his free time creating a program he planned to teach his child later. 
 
After two kids, I can say that some of mine and the concerns of other dads-to-be at the time were  slightly exaggerated. The truth is most of the things I was anxious about turned out fine and my guess is it will be the same for you. 

2. Having a baby can be expensive

Expenses related to having a baby can quickly and easily start to add up, especially if it’s your first time. When my son was born, we purchased all types of baby items.  Some we needed and used a lot, others we hardly used and a lot of the items we purchased just didn’t get used. 
 
So while you may be excited and tempted to buy all the latest baby toys and gadgets on display at your local store or on Amazon, purchase only the items you absolutely need, and as your baby grows and settles into their new home, you can assess and make additional purchases. Save your money to purchase formula and diapers as these two items alone will cut deep into your pocket!

3. Your wife or partner will need your help every step of the way

It will be more than you are accustomed to doing, and you’ll be tempted to hide behind your work, hobby or whatever else you can come up with. But you’ll need to recommit daily to being there for her because she needs you so she can stay focused on keeping herself and your baby healthy. You can start being there for her by helping out more with the house work and kids if you are parents already, attending hospital visits, new parenting classes and preparing your home to welcome your baby.  Experts have stated that getting involved early and at every level, not only makes things easier for the mother, but it also keeps you from feeling left out. 

4. It’s never too early to start interacting with your baby

Bonding with your child doesn’t have to wait until birth. It can start during those first nine months of development. Through touch and sound, you can begin the bonding process. Touching your partner’s stomach, speaking, singing and reading  to your baby will help your little one get to know you faster. From as early as 16 weeks, babies can begin to hear sounds. 
 
Prenatal researchers believe that from at least six months of pregnancy onward, babies are aware of and influenced by what’s going on in the outside world. Research has also found that if dads speak to a baby before birth, the newborn will recognize dad’s voice. Your voice and touch will be different from mom’s and your baby will pick that up. 

5. You’ll need all the help and support you can get

No man is an island, so find and receive the support you need. One way you can find support is by looking up dad support groups online and in your local area. Also, if you have friends who are new or veteran dads, speak to them or spend some time with them and their kids. This can help you process some of the anxiety, and provide ideas on how to deal with the changes and challenges you’ll encounter during your journey.
 
The key I have found to successfully navigating the ‘dad-to-be’ season is not in knowing all the answers, but in getting fully involved from day one despite your unpreparedness. It’s how I learned and continue to learn to be a dad. The more involved you’re from the beginning, the more involved you will be as a parent for the long run.
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How to Increase Your Child’s Curiosity and Enhance Their Leadership

by Olise Atenaga
written by Olise Atenaga
Asking questions is vital to learning and becoming a lifelong learner. Depending on your season of life, children can sometimes drive you crazy with them. Mine still do! However, the older they get, the more sophisticated they have become with their questions.
 
It’s funny how the floodgate of questions seem to burst open at the precise moment you are trying to watch a show, listen to your favorite podcast, or have a conversation with your partner. In those moments quite frankly, I’ve been tempted to ask them to ‘zip it’ for their sakes and mine, but instead I try in the moment  to encourage and satisfy their curiosity the best I can, or ask them to come back later, because encouraging a child’s curiosity is important. 
 
Some of the best leaders I know cite asking questions as a highly beneficial habit that enables them to positively impact the lives of others in their roles as leaders.
 
Questions help you gather better information. They lead to insight and increase understanding. And the reality is no one is born with the ability and habit of asking great questions. It’s a habit we cultivate overtime and with practice.
 
Helping your child cultivate this habit early and throughout their life will benefit them tremendously as leaders, both now and in the future. 
 
Here’s a 3 part process you can implement easily:

1. Plan

Planning ahead can significantly increase your child’s ability to make the best of learning opportunities.
 
Generally questions pop up during the course of everyday life and much of it cannot be scripted ahead of time, especially in the case of children. But there are situations when we can be intentional and plan ahead for questions we would like to get answered.
 
For example, prior to visiting a place, person or event, taking a few minutes to discuss the place, person or event, and encouraging them to think about some things they will like to know will give your child something to look forward to and give them an opportunity to learn something they may otherwise have not.
 
 I’ll even suggest going a step further and asking them to write down their questions (a short pencil is better than a long memory, right?) so they’re ready when the opportunity presents itself.

2. Do

Imagine you and your child have thought through and written down some questions they would like to ask and you all are looking forward to the answers, but when the time comes your child is either too shy to break the ice and ask the question(s) or gets distracted. 
 
Yes, these things do happen. Really! I have experienced both with my kids. 
 
Now that they are older, we don’t get to experience the shyness and distraction as much. In the past when they felt shy, I would help break the ice to encourage them to ask their question(s). Distractions, typically happened in environments they were excited about and with people they were comfortable with, so I had to remind them to ask their question. 
 
The truth is until your child becomes comfortable, especially in new environments, they will require your encouragement and that of other trusted adults to ask and develop the habit of asking questions.

3. Review

This is an essential step in this 3 part process. It gives your child the opportunity to think some more about the answer(s) to the question(s) they asked, it presents an opportunity for them to explore new or follow-up questions, plus it gives you the opportunity to continue your involvement in this process, especially if you were unable to be present when they asked and received the answer(s) to their question(s).
 
Questions empower learners of all ages. As dads, we must endeavor to create and encourage a question-friendly environment that enables our children fill the gap between what they know and don’t know, and beyond.
 
Question: What’s a question you wanted to ask as a child but didn’t or couldn’t?
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4 P’s of Fatherhood Every Child Needs

by Olise Atenaga
written by Olise Atenaga
Being a dad is a rich and layered experience, not a random job or duty. It’s wonderful work very few can compare to with outcomes that benefit the world tremendously.
 
As a dad striving daily to fully embrace your role in today’s fast-paced and evolving world, staying constantly in tune with aspects that have proved unshakable and foundational to the core and success of fatherhood is vital.
 
Here are 4 important aspects of fatherhood dads must continually keep in mind as they explore and engage in the journey of fatherhood.

1. Presence

A dad’s presence cannot be overstated. When we are actively involved in our children’s lives, they do better and experience better outcomes. However, when we are absent as dads, the ramifications can be pervasive and devastating for a child. A dad’s presence in a child’s life, whether it’s from a distance or in close proximity, opens the door for him to positively and consistently influence the child. His involvement speaks volumes to them and can serve as a stabilizer.  It increases the child’s sense of worth and communicates they are worthy of his time, attention and affection.
 
Being present as a  dad doesn’t mean perfection. Children would rather have a dad that’s present than one who is perfect. It’s also not a 24/7 proposition, especially for dads who live apart from their children. But regardless of our situation or challenges, when we make it a point to be all in, showing up for the small and big occasions in their lives, consistently doing things like writing letters, calling or texting them regularly, we send a message to them that they matter, that we care deeply for them and truly want to be connected and involved in their lives. 
 
Being present for your kids is one of the best gifts you can give to them, and one of the greatest contribution we make as dads to our communities and the world.

2. Protection

The world is becoming an increasingly scary place and whether you are five, 25 or 50, having a solid sense of physical and psychological safety is priceless.  Children can be vulnerable and need to be protected. As a dad, you are a fortress for your child and protecting them might require you to don a ninja suit and take out some bad actors to shield them from physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual attacks. 
 
The protection we provide as dads will look different through the changing phases and stages of their lives. Protection doesn’t mean we coddle and keep them from ever experiencing any challenges or trouble in life. It means that we prepare, support, and stand by them as they navigate life. When children know they can depend on their dads to protect them, they begin to develop the positive confidence essential to face the challenges life will inevitably throw their way. Educating kids from an early age about their choices and decisions  can help them develop a mindset that guides and protects them as they mature into young adults and beyond.
 
Here are some practical things we can do as dads to protect our kids:
 
  • Don’t instill fear.  Increase their confidence by teaching them how to sense, respond to and manage volatile, uncertain, complex and ambiguous situations
  • Pay close attention to their use of media and social media so you can help them make sense of the information they are receiving
  • Teach them safety rules and practice safety drills
  • Get to know and ask questions about the people in their life (teachers, coaches, friends, pastors, work colleagues) without being paranoid or overbearing 
  • Pray with and for them

3. Provision

Almost every dad I know is always thinking and or talking about the things — tangible and intangible — they want to provide for their children. We all don’t have the same list, but we all have a list. 
 
Dads are designed to provide and have an inherent need for it. The desire to provide is rooted in our makeup and is why we gain satisfaction from both working and providing. When a dad feels like he can’t provide, it impacts him on a deep level because one of his purpose for existing isn’t being fulfilled. Some dads provide because they had a good model and aspire to pass on that legacy. For some, there wasn’t a good model and they aspire to break the cycle and leave a better legacy for their children.
 
Regardless of where you fall on that spectrum, having a healthy perspective and balance in our pursuit of providing for our children is extremely important. Yes, we have both the desire and responsibility to be providers, but we must see the forest for the trees. It doesn’t do us much good to successfully provide but lose ourselves and relationship with our kids in the process. 

4. Praise

Our kids have intrinsic value just the way they are and shouldn’t need to win a trophy to make us proud of them. We ought to be pleased with them and express it before they ever achieve anything. Trophies and titles don’t make them any more valuable just as it doesn’t make us anymore valuable. Their worth is not determined by the sports they play, the grades they make or the constantly moving standard of success society imposes. 
 
Day in and day out they yearn for us to see their value, to acknowledge that they matter…especially to us. They crave our approval and want to make us proud. They don’t want to disappoint us and are constantly striving to live up  to a standard we set because they love us or because they have unresolved anger towards us and want to prove a point.
 
Tell them often that you believe in them, that they have a bright future, that you are pleased with them and proud to be their dad. We should be encouragers, enhancers, enlargers and lifters through our words and actions, because there is huge chance that if we value and believe in them, they will value and believe in themselves.
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3 Keys to Winning as a Dad

by Olise Atenaga
written by Olise Atenaga
Fatherhood is a marathon not a sprint. Unlike any role we get to play as men, being a dad is lifelong responsibility. It’s a journey that will require more of you than anything else.  Ask anyone who has ever run a marathon and they will tell you running a marathon is no small feat. It  takes commitment and  intentional preparation to pull it off.
 
Runners who successfully run and finish a marathon  dedicate time to preparing for the race, and part of that preparation centers around their mindset. Running and finishing your race as a dad is no different. It requires a mindset that can carry you through the finish line.
 
Here are three things to keep in mind that can help you run your fatherhood race well.

1. Live Good Values

Whether you are a first-time dad or seasoned pro, good values set the tone and pace of your fatherhood journey. They are critical components that guide our decisions and behavior from the moment our kids are born and through every life phase, transition and event we get to experience with them as dads.
 
Good values are important because nothing impacts your life every day more than your values.  They create stability,  keep us fulfilled and strong, provide structure and meaning, and help us to live more stable lives. The values we embrace and practice serve as anchors that help us stay true to ourselves. We are today where our values have brought us,  and we will be tomorrow where our values take us. 
 
Imagine how much further you can go as a dad if you make it a priority to live good values all the time? Imagine how much further in life your kids can go when they watch you model good values daily?  You see our ability to make a lasting impact and difference through the values we live may require a lot from us, but anything worthwhile is uphill and the return on investment it produces surpasses the effort, energy and time we invest in living good values. 
 
Living good values empowers us not only  to run our race, but also to run it successfully through the finish line. It becomes a lasting legacy that can pass on to generations and make a difference in the world.

2. Stay focused on your race (Don’t compare)

It’s so much easier today to compare how our life is going with how other people’s lives are looking. Comparing is a joy stealer. It’s a self-imposed and stifling outlook that robs us of our ability to live out our best lives as dads. In addition to stealing our joy, it compromises our focus, and can lead to complacency.
 
Let’s imagine on your fatherhood journey you are a 6 on a 1-10 scale. If you are comparing yourself to someone who is a 5, you will hardly make any effort to get better, and if you are comparing yourself to someone who is a 7, chances are you will ease off when you reach an 8, but what if you could be a 9 or 10? 
 
Staying focused and running your race in your lane keeps you in control. It makes you an asset and most valuable to the people you love, because no matter how hard we try, we cannot successfully run our fatherhood race in another person’s lane. We each have unique gifts, insights, temperament, resources, etc. to impact the kids and people within our sphere of influence. Our goal  should be aiming for constant improvement and growth in our journey, not making comparisons to someone else’s journey.

3. Keep running (Don’t quit)

Charlie “Rocket” Jabaley had a lifelong dream of becoming an athlete. As an overweight successful music mogul, he never saw this as possibility until a brain tumor forced him to make some life changes. Determined to change his life and make a difference, one of the goals he set was to run the Boston Marathon. 
 
One day, his coach asked him to run ten miles as part of his training to prepare for the Boston Marathon. Two miles into the ten mile run, Charlie was exhausted and felt he couldn’t go on. He wanted to quit, go back home and watch TV. But in that moment, he  reminded himself of the goal – qualifying for the Boston Marathon – and chose to push through the doubts bombarding his mind, and the pain and discomfort he was feeling all over his body. Charlie went on to complete the ten mile run, running the last five miles at his fastest because he knew this – to achieve his dream, he had to keep running.
 
Quitting is a state of mind we reinforce every time we throw in the towel. We were created to make a difference, and on the mission to make a difference there will be obstacles that trip, delay, disrupt and disillusion us. Just like Charlie Rocket, in our race to live out the dream of being good dads, we will experience the temptation to stop running towards the best version of ourselves as dads. In those pivotal moments,  we must pick ourselves up and get back to the business of living on purpose to make a difference.
 
If you feel like all is lost because you lost your running pace or dropped out of the race all together, you are not alone. You can still get back on your lane and finish your race. You don’t have to fade out because of  a setback. The purpose of your fatherhood race is not to look strong, but to run your race and finish well. The race is not to the swift or strong, but to those who endure to the end. Your setback point can be a new starting line. It’s not over until you finish well, so get back up and finish what you started.
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