I have heard it said a number of times that as husbands and fathers, we are always filling one of three central roles. They are prophets, priests, and kings. In the prophet role, we may be giving advice, or scripture to help solve a problem or come to a healthy conclusion to a conflict. As priests, we listen and then pray for intercession from God. The last role is one I would like to discuss further today, the king role.
In the king role, we are leading. We are taking charge, making decisions, defending, encouraging, providing security, and being an example to our children. We are setting rules and expectations, and ideally, leading as selfless servants. In 1 Timothy 3:4, Paul states, “Mature masculinity governs its household well.” But what happens when kingship goes off the rails? All too often I believe we begin leading like a tyrant.
The word tyrant is first seen in English and French around 1290, originating from the Latin, tyrranus, meaning “illegitimate leader” which was originally found in the Greek word, tyrannos or “monarch, ruler of a city”. The Greeks may have had a lot of things wrong, but I feel they nailed it on the understanding of a king vs a tyrant. Philosopher, educator, and popular author, Mortimer J. Adler said:
“The Greek philosophers stressed the quality of rule rather than legitimacy. Both Plato and Aristotle speak of the king as a good monarch and the tyrant as a bad one. Both say that monarchy, or rule by a single man, is royal when it is for the welfare of the ruled and tyrannical when it serves only the interest of the ruler.”
He goes further to state that although the bible didn’t use the word tyrant, the author, God, and the writers shared the same feelings about tyrant leaders.
Examples of this can be found in Proverbs 28:15–16, “Like a roaring lion or a charging bear is a wicked ruler (the tyrant) over a poor people. A ruler who lacks understanding (the tyrant) is a cruel oppressor, but one who hates unjust gain will enjoy a long life.” Also in Proverbs 29:4, “By justice, a king gives stability to the land, but one who makes heavy extractions (the tyrant) ruins it.”
So now that we established a tyrant leader is not and has never been a good thing, let’s define what exactly is a tyrant so we can then identify what that looks like in real-time.
Knowyourarchetypes.com shares:
- The archetypal Tyrant is filled with anger and rage.
- The anger which fills the Tyrant can lead them to hit out at others, doing so and inflicting pain giving them an increased sense of empowerment that is otherwise missing in their life.
- They display hatefulness, envy, and abusiveness towards others as a result of their need to make themselves feel better about their own weaknesses.
Men… that sounds horrible! My first thought is, I would never act like this – weak, leading from a mindset of scarcity, not abundance, afraid to share any sort of power, often needing to put people “in their place”, or demanding “you are going to listen to me or I am going to…. fill in the blank.”
But how easy is it to come home, tired, maybe carrying some hostility from work, and swing over to the tyrant leader? Stack on weeks, months, and possibly years of this type of work stress, financial stress, family stress, etc. and we can see how the reality of becoming a tyrant is absolutely possible. It’s even more believable if we ourselves had no example of what king leadership looks like when we were growing up. Whatever the reason, the enemy will use any foothold he can to disrupt your household. Turning you into a tyrant is definitely in his repertoire of tricks to do so.
So, what are some signs you might be leading from the tyrant model and not the king leader:
- Leading with an iron fist “My way or the highway, there is no other way.” Absolute power.
- Being unwilling to discuss our reasoning with our children.
- Dismissing our children when they want to ask questions.
- Withholding attention and putting in place our own interests (social media addiction would be a great example).
- Seeing our children as a burden and not a blessing.
- Putting more importance on our hobbies, or possessions than our children.
- Giving love when it is convenient, withholding love when angry.
Now let’s take a look at what a Servant king looks like:
- They take time to listen. The good king puts down what he is doing and delights in hearing his children’s successes, failures, and stories.
- They give love freely and show empathy. They care about their children’s issues and try to see them from their point of view.
- They are aware and present. Pastor James DeMello states this quality beautifully in his book, Andrizo Man: A Call to Distinctive and Authentic Manhood. In it, he leads us to support from the bible found in 1 Corinthians 16:13 which states “Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.”
- Servant leaders are selfless. They understand the big picture: it’s really about the success of those around you, in this case, the children.
- Servant leaders give encouragement. Man, how good does it feel to be told you have done a good job! To be loved unconditionally and to be told you are doing a good job is the delight of child and man alike. I want to hear my heavenly father tell me, “Good job son, I love you.”
So how do we know if what we are doing is of a servant king or a tyrant? Men, we have to filter our behavior…every day. Just like coffee or wine, the filtering comes at the very end before it is consumed. It is for cleaning the substance, making it brighter, and catching any filtrates, chaff, or “junk” from coming through and affecting the taste.
We have to be intentional about looking at ourselves daily through the eyes of our heavenly father. If we become lazy in this, we are not being watchmen and are in jeopardy of becoming a tyrant. We also need to be in God’s word, praying for intercession in our lives by God to convict us of those areas that need change, and then be open and ready to make those changes with His guidance.
As Christians, we have such a great picture of what it looks like to lead as a servant king. In Matthew 20:26-28 Jesus tells us, “It is not this way among you, but whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant, and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your [willing and humble] slave; just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Such an awesome picture of a good, kind, serving king!
Today, take a minute to examine yourself. If you find that you have indeed been leading as a tyrant, give yourself some grace! Many of us have been there at one time or another. But I would encourage you to pray for heart change, pray for God’s wisdom, to be filled with God’s love. Then, daily, filter your actions and behaviors through the eyes of a servant king.
